Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Think Your Toe is Staring at Me...

I was already praying to the restaurant god that the clang of dishes and buzz of the dinner crowd would drown out the mindless chatter of my date. With a yawn of boredom, I twiddled my fork on the plate, rolling my eyes with every mention of the Laker game. The gray of his shirt grated my nerves with the way it twitched at the collar when he chewed. I thought to myself, "How can you blame the shirt for annoying you when it is definitely this guy's lack of interesting conversation that has you ready to escape through the kitchen?" I was giggling, which I am sure he thought was in response to his lame attempt at entertaining me, when I felt this burning in my peripheral vision.

My eyes wondered from his button-down to the curve of his fingers as he held his fork like a shovel. Still I couldn't help the feeling that someone was staring at me. Now talking about the new Droid applications he downloaded, I searched the crowd for my culprit. I found only the uninterested profiles of the restaurant patrons, clearly ignoring my dating fiasco. Then, suddenly, it appeared! This scary, hairy, barking dog of a toe from under the table! I moved my black heels slowly underneath my chair to avoid collision. Carefully lifting the tablecloth, I unveiled the horror. FLIP FLOPS!!!

Fighting the urge to run while screaming, I felt the look of disgust consume my facial features. Those bony toes were staring right up at me, yet my date continued to yap about how his car had GPS. I snarfed down the rest of my pasta, texted myself to have an excuse to leave, and apologized for the rush. The swarm of fresh air washed over me with a sigh of relief as my hand pushed the door open into the dim light of the parking lot. With an anxious look over my shoulder, the toes were gone.

Rule: Men don't wear flip flops in public. Period. Your toes are staring at me! It's gross...

Jenna Christopher

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I am not chocolate cake...or a 5 year old...I'm just sayin...

There is one word that is absolutely not available for your vocabulary use when talking to a woman. YUMMY. I have been called this word such a ridiculous amount of times that I actually pondered whether or not it was some "fad" that I just wasn't hip to. Say the word to yourself. Yes. Say it right now.


The sound of the word actually makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I am not food. I promise.

When commenting on my facebook picture, do not use this word. You will surely get the delete button clicked on you promptly. When texting me about how you can't wait to see me, do not end the text with this word. I guarantee this will not get you laid. Matter of fact, if you ever call me....yuck...I can't even bring myself to type the word will definitely NEVER get my goodies.

So guys...since I am not chocolate cake or a 5 year old, never let that word escape your mouth. It will only end in dating disaster. I'm just sayin'.

Jenna Christopher

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Real men don't cry...and if you do...lie about it.

If the movie Armageddon makes your tear ducts leak, don't admit it over Starbucks. Our coffee conversation is not a confessional. Matter of fact, if you feel your eyes swell with tears of embarrassment during our movie date, I'm going to suggest that you fake some allergies and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Crying is a sign of weakness, and when I said I wanted a man with a "sensitive side", I meant a man who brings me flowers once in awhile...not a big whiny baby wuss.

Real men don't cry. So if you do, lie about it.

Jenna Christopher

Friday, June 4, 2010

If you show up to the date and you're ugly...I'm leaving.

Whether we want to admit it or not, physical attraction is a BIG DEAL! So, don't misrepresent yourself. The Internet is a vast ocean of dating potential. We network online, meet people, get to know their entire lives by their facebook wall posts, and ultimately decide we want to take that next step of meeting "in person" by what they type and how their picture looks. So, if that picture is from 1998 when you were graduating high school, don't post it like it was taken yesterday. I guarantee when your date shows up to that quaint Italian restaurant you decided to take her to with an extra 20 pounds on your gut and a few gray hairs in your beard, she's gonna be running for the hills. It gives us the impression that you are a liar, a player, and no woman wants to KNOWINGLY go into a relationship like that. I get that it is all about putting your best foot forward, but sometimes that foot needs to stay in the boot, with a sock on....a really thick thermal sock.

Same goes for all you friends out there who think it will be fun to set us lowly single people up on blind dates. The whole "He's got a great personality!" is a red flag that this guy is gonna need a paper bag over his face to be able to be seen in public with me. I love when my friends use the word "cute". What does that mean really? He looks like a poodle? Or maybe he just isn't good looking enough to be considered "HOT" so we have to use the word "cute" as in he's not COMPLETELY ugly. Just give it to me straight people.

There's someone out there for everybody. I am just not your someone. So, don't misrepresent yourself because if you show up to the date and you're ugly...I'm leaving!

Jenna Christopher