Monday, July 9, 2012

Oh for the world has been so long without my shallow wisdom...

On the eve of a summer's night, my anticipation mounted as the man of my dreams pulled his midnight colored, stallion of a vehicle into the parking lot. I watched from my perch at the wine bar,fingers fumbling with the hem of my dress. My cheeks flushed with the sight of his freshly shaven baldness as it rose from behind the opened door. Had I finally found my Shakespearean romance? Was it possible to love someone after three dates?

Horror struck! Following the head that I loved was the puke color of a Mecca shirt....a Mecca shirt?? How did this atrocity survive the 10 years in this man's closet? Had he fed it left over scraps under the table? It damn near looked like a living green blob rippling across his chest.

Okay...okay...but I liked him. I liked him a lot. I would kill the green blob when he wasn't looking and all would be well in the world again. I plotted its demise. By bleach? Or maybe by fire? Yes, yes bleach and fire would do.

I calmed myself with deep breaths and thoughts of the dead blob. I had been looking at my glass of wine as he walked up, trying to complete my murderous plan. I snapped back around in my chair and straightened my dress as he walked in the door, and there it was. Jean Shorts. He must have broken the iron and paid a visit to the printing press to get that surfboard-like hardness. And the loop....I mean where is the hammer? If you are going to have a loop on your jeans, aren't you supposed to have a hammer?

I went into madness. How could I possibly murder the green blob and the monster in the closet? It was just too much for one woman to handle alone. Was this how my knight in shining armor dressed to impress? Weren't we at the classiest wine bar in town? Maybe I was supposed to meet him at the pool hall. Damn. I would have to call in backup.

Where's the Fashion Police?